


ghosting

by cryle



Category: C-Pop, EXO (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22759273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryle/pseuds/cryle
Summary: zitao & yifan are highschool sweethearts. yifan is always on the move.
Relationships: Huang Zi Tao | Z.Tao/Park Chanyeol, Huang Zi Tao | Z.Tao/Wu Yi Fan | Kris
Kudos: 17





	ghosting

**Author's Note:**

> uhh haha yeah there r no good guys in this fic sry!  
> another life - flower face  
> annie - foxx bodies
> 
> edited 201211

There are a few facts that Yifan and Zitao both know, that neither of them are speaking about.

_**1) Yifan is leaving, and whether he comes back or not is completely on the table for 4 years from now** ___

__Zitao's hand is warm and sweaty around his own, but they've been here so many times that they can't be bothered to care. Yifan's hands are sweaty, his back is sweaty, his head is sweaty, his brain is sweaty-- That sure was a weird euphemism. He feels disgusting as he runs a hand through his hair and it almost feels like he just got out of the shower. Like, really gross._ _

__It's mid-July, and it must be at least 90 degrees-- pulled into a desolate part of the suburbs, out by an abandoned warehouse with dead grass and little traffic, right in the sun the way Zitao likes it-- Perfect for Yifan to whip his vintage, 90's convertible (that, with his current wage, and on top of the cost of University, he'll be paying off until the god damn day he dies) into the dry, hot, mineral depleted dirt and park there for hours._ _

__They've been here a million times, in this lot, in the melt-your-brain type heat that it feels like a second home. It almost feels like a fever dream-- It does every time they do this, which is wild, because that's almost everyday; Subsequently, Yifan's entire summers blur together like something he saw in his sleep and tried to peace together a few days later._ _

__But this time is different._ _

__His heart is heavy with apprehension and anxiety, and not just because Zitao's bare shoulder is digging into his bare chest, right over his heart, where he belongs, where he always has, shirtless and crammed into Kris' lap between the aforementioned's body and the steering wheel-- Off topic. This time, he has something he needs to say, something he has to tell Zitao, something that absolutely cannot wait._ _

__He hates that. Yifan's knuckles drag through Zitao's hair and he focuses on the younger boy's breathing as he ponders what a terrible situation he's put himself in-- Oh, how he yearns to think only of the boy in his lap, golden skin and sharp eyes and pretty, _so pretty._ Begs the heavens for a few more minutes just to sit here in silence and watch the way the sunlight glimmers off of Zitao's countless ear piercings and just feel the would-be-disgusting stick of sweat slicked skin sticking to sweat slicked skin. _ _

__He gets no answer._ _

__"Tao," He mutters out, soft. Always so soft with Zitao, because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings or scare him. Soft like he would be in middle school when Zitao would cry because he misses home, misses Qingdao, misses his grandparents, misses his school and friends and neighbourhood--_ _

__The younger lifts his head, squinting through the blinding rays-- He probably had his eyes closed, it wasn't unusual for him to nap during these mid-summer car-sitting sessions that they'd become so accustomed to._ _

__"Hm?"_ _

__Well, Yifan is ready to just say something cheesey and play it off like that was always his intention. He really doesn't think he can do this. Maybe he can kindly reject the offer, but in reality, he can't, because this is once in a lifetime, this is something most people can only dream of, he's gotta--_ _

__"I got accepted." Is all he says-- Because what else can he say? That he's sorry? This was his dream, this is what he asked for and carelessly, over-ambitiously, serendipitously shot for his entire life-- The ethereal fact that he'd actually made it, that he could do it... Felt like he'd entered a whole new dimension, whole new plane of existence... Nothing could ever be that easy for Wu Yifan, obviously. The acceptance letter he recieved was nothing like this-- It told him the basics, but it didn't tell him he had to cut off all his connections in Vancouver, it didn't tell him how hard it would be to get there or to stay there, or where he could get a job and that he'd have to leave his mom-- Maybe he just isn't ready for this.  
_Congratulations, Kris Wu! You should feel very proud of yourself..._ But for what? (He knows that's a stupid question but he's having a moment. He can't help but feel like he's so stupid, and maybe inside him he was hoping he would fail in the end, because _he spent his whole life running towards this, racing with his peers, himself, jesus and god, time, space; Now that he's at the finish line all he has to do is take a step forward and the ribbon breaks at the same time his world falls apart.__ _

__The fibers snap when Zitao just puts his head back down, then gives a slight nod. It's disturbing, how easily he takes on the form of such an animal that backs down and rolls over and submits to a fight it knows it can never win. If they've had this discussion once, they've had it a million times since sophomore year-- They already talked about this: What they should do, what will happen, because Yifan has been sprinting since he could run._ _

__(He can't stop, he won't break stride until the day he dies.)_ _

__It's another few minutes of silence. A breeze kicks into gear and blows the strands of Zitao's honey colored hair through Yifan's fingers even when they're idle. The breeze is nice– 'cause even though the silence is the exact same silence as before he spoke, it now feels heavy and clunky and like the string might snap and drop a piano on him from the top floor of a hotel; It's going to fall and crush him any moment._ _

__Then there's shifting, and it's a little clumsy and rough as Zitao peels his skin away from Yifan's, stretching and crackling his neck and shoulders in the approx. 1 square foot of space where the driver's seat was pushed all the way back. He glances over Yifan with his lazy, pretty summer eyes, mouth curling into a kitten smile._ _

__"I guess we should celebrate then, huh?" The younger inquires, a little lilt to his tone. He climbs over the door of the car and holds his hand out-- Yifan just looks at it._ _

__Zitao wants what he always wants. He wants to dance. Kris isn't a dancer. He shakes his head to reject the offer, to act like this is just a normal day and Kris still isn't a dancer. He gets an eyeroll in return-- He doesn't really care though._ _

__Kris turns up the music so that it's loud enough to hear clearly out of the car-- Even enough to drown out the airplanes and the distant traffic and the birds. And Zitao dances like he always does, alone, like no one's watching. Like he forgot that Yifan is there. And Yifan can't do anything except grip the steering wheel because _he should be out there with him, this is the last time that Zitao will ask him to dance and this is the last time Yifan will get the priviledge of telling him no and it aches like he'd just selfishly denied someone their dying wish.__ _

__Zitao is a phoenomenal dancer, and he's all to familiar with that fact. So familiar that it actually makes him uncomfortable-- He can't even recall the amount of times that Sehun has proposed that Zitao join his dance class, that they'd love him, that he'd fit right in, that he'd have such a good time-- But Zitao only likes to dance to the beat of his own drum; doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do._ _

__So instead he takes solace in the open fields in the summer, when Yifan is watching but he acts like he isn't, even though he knows it wouldn't matter one way or the other. Yifan takes pride in that._ _

__And it's two more songs before the now even sweatier and breathless bleach blonde is flopping down in his lap again._ _

__"You deserve it," Kisses are trailed up Yifan's jaw until they reach his lips. "I'm happy for you."_ _

__He sounds a little weak, a little helpless, and it breaks Yifan's glass heart into shards that puncture his lungs until he can't breathe._ _

__And yet, Yifan drives Zitao home so he can shower and change clothes for his weekly gig. Occassionally (though it recently began to get more and more often), he gets into an opening in a local bar or restaurant to sing for an hour or two with whatever musician he can tag along with._ _

__Tonight, Yifan is deciding to stay and watch him sing (which he does much less often than he probably should)– this little hole in the wall place that Zitao loves because its cozy and dark and their small stage is always glimmering with starlights or fairylights or something like that. It's this little hole in the wall place Yifan hates because there's a pianist that accompanies the acts and he has the physique of some stupid fucking greek statue and is obviously infatuated with Zitao -- Most importantly though, said pianist is going to have an open shot at Yifan's lovely boyfriend when he leaves town._ _

__(There's a boy that plays guitar there too, who Yifan is quite fond of in the way of the younger brother he never had. Of course, that's never who Zitao is on stage with.)_ _

___**2) Zitao and pianist boy have painful tension that borders on romantic and stuffs up the air everytime their eyes meet.**_ _ _

__When they get there, the older takes a breath in and out again–; he's hit with a realization, it finally sinks in that tonight is going to probably be the last time he'll step in here _ever._ Probably the last time he'll ever walk Zitao to the door and kiss him goodbye before he scurries back stage. And this is probably the last time he'll see pianist boy before he'll be referring to him as Zitao's new boyfriend. _ _

__Zitao is so, so, sweet-- His heart shines and bursts out at the smallest things, and if Yifan isn't there to quell the deluge, then someone else will take it and if the uncomfortable (for Kris), silent stares and shared looks with shiny eyes are anything to go by, he won't have to look very far for a willing recepient._ _

__It's time to park now. Kris talks himself through his next moves after he's back at the car. Time to park and walk in and find a seat and be civil and encouraging and _take a fucking chill pill dude, holy shit!__ _

__His steering wheel is really taking a beating today._ _

__But he does what he said he'd do._ _

__He walks into the bar after greeting the bouncer, to whom he needs no extra introduction-- They've become fairly well acquainted with all of Zitao's appearances at the venue._ _

__Kris isn't really a spice-of-life kind of guy, so he just gets a water and orders some fries and sits patiently. Except, he feels like he's losing his mind, because he waited till the last second to tell Zitao, waited till the last second to do absolutely everything and now he's only got a few days._ _

__That's rough, buddy._ _

__He really can't find it in him to _do_ anything, because this is supposed to be him relaxing and attempting to make up for being a shitty boyfriend who can't communicate and is always on the move and can't ever fucking just settle. (Even if he has every right to achieve his dreams and be his own person-- Even if he has every right to leave whenever he wants-- Even if Zitao isn't so much of the angel Yifan says he is either if the muffled, backstage exclaimation of _Chanyeolie!_ is anything to go by.... He can't help but feel like he's fucked up everything all by himself, has ruined it all.)_ _

__So-- He opens a few apps. Closes a few apps. Scrolls through a few timelines and feeds and home pages until the lights dim and there's the boomsound of a speaker being connected-- And he's at least somewhat respectful, so he clicks his phone locked and turns it facedown._ _

__He sees Zitao slide away from the piano _Chanyeol_ is sitting at-- Just as his silhouette is backlit by stagelights. That's okay. Maybe it'll ease his conscious mind to accept that fact that he won't be leaving his love all alone when he inevitably disappears to a place he never plans on returning from. _ _

__The front light flicks on and Yifan can see every streak and glitter and intricately drawn little star and heart and diamond below Zitao's eyes when they meet._ _

__His soft voice rings out through the mic a few measures after the wretched, cursed, _home of all his problems_ piano starts to play, and Yifan tries his absolute hardest to suffocate himself with it. _ _

__\--_ _

__When he tries to sleep, it haunts him._ _

__He can feel it's a dream, because he doesn't remember waking up and his body is heavy and everything is a little hazy--_ _

__But Zitao is on stage again, in some outfit that he's pretty sure Zitao would never wear-- It's not _ugly_ perse, but it's all black and tight and his makeup-- It still glitters but it's black too. His eyes glance over Yifan's like he's a stranger, but there's no one else in the audience. _ _

__Chanyeol is there too, sitting behind him on the drums, staring him down like a fucking predator waiting to pounce-- And there's a bassist he can't see and guitar guy, _Yixing_ is there, looking like some stupid carbon copy of a Beatles member and this is _all wrong_. _ _

__Someone backstage calls something out that Yifan knows is 'minute till showtime' but it all sounds garbled and he's only listening to his brain._ _

__He hates that when he looks back up to the stage, Chanyeol is in a dress shirt and tight jeans and has an arm thrown around Zitao like they've been dating for years and whispering what's probably nonsense into his hear--_ _

__Basically, Yifan hates this. And he yells it too-- Tries to make his dream self yell _Zitao_ or _stop!_ or _get your hands off him, asshole!_ or fucking _something, anything_ _ _

__... Maybe something gets out, because Zitao whips his head around to look at him from the stage-- Bewildered and pretty, so, so, pretty, just how Kris always remembers him,_ _

__right before the red showers over him and Chanyeol. But now Yifan is sure it's a dream– A nightmare to reenact _Carrie_ but Chanyeol is still smiling and Zitao looks like he's about to cry and Yifan stops a moment to think that maybe _he_ did that--_ _

__Zitao turns to say something, and it must be important because the look in his eyes is terrified and urgent--_ _

__And Yifan wakes up, very unfortunately, to the sound of his alarm blaring in his ears, his middle school nostalgia damning him to be flooded with _What's Luv? by Fat Joe and Ashanti_ instead of dream-Tao's soft, broken voice. _ _

___**3) It's so much easier to say nothing at all.**_ _ _

__The last time Yifan sees Zitao is when he's loading up his car with the few belongings he hasn't completely purged as he emerges into adulthood._ _

__He's pushing the last box into the backseat when he feels the weight on his back, arms around his waist-- And he honestly didn't expect this. He figured that him and Zitao would go home like they normally do, when they aren't worried about the next time they'd see each other, and Yifan would leave and that would be that-- But it isn't._ _

___Zitao came to see him._ which ruins his plan a little bit, because what does he say now? He freezes, because he doesn't know whether to turn around or not. _ _

__"I couldn't stay away," Zitao breathes out, and Yifan can feel it fan across the back of his neck. Shit._ _

__Now he does turn around, because this is important-- This is his last chance to do something right before he goes through with doing everything else wrong. He puts an arm around him and holds him closer than he's held Tao in weeks--_ _

__"I gotta go," Yifan responds after just a few moments of silence. He can't let it linger too long-- He won't, because he's gotten this far and he can't just-- Ditch everything, no matter how terrible the plan was-- But Zitao isn't in the better, because he doesn't say anything either. Doesn't even try to talk about it._ _

__A car drives by and Yifan takes that as a sign to pull away. It's time._ _

__So he shakes his head, giving Zitao the brightest smile he could muster._ _

__Zitao gives it back, with a little, _have fun!_ despite the tears spilling out of his eyes and down his cheeks. _ _

__Zitao turns and walks in the opposite direction, throwing up a hand to wave back at Kris. Just like when they first met in middle school and Zitao had to be home for dinner and hesitated to leave and was late _every single night_ . _ _

__As Yifan starts his ignition, he tries not to think about the bruises and bitemarks peeking out from Zitao's collar._ _


End file.
